Hello, health and fitness community!
I’ve been here before, for a very very long time, but I’m finally starting to feel in control. It’s been a very long journey for me. Let’s start from the beginning…
In high school, I realized my metabolism wasn’t what it used to be. Sure, I was thin, but I wasn’t thin enough, despite varsity soccer and an active lifestyle. I gained some weight over a summer, losing my self-control at the sight of free cookies. When I came back, I switched to eating a carrot for breakfast, leaving all day, and eating about half of the dinner my parents served. I would give away my school lunches to my friends. My weight dropped, which made me fairly happy, but I was always thinking about food or how I could make one granola bar last for, say, eight hours, writing out plan after plan in my notebooks.
I started thinking, why would I do this, when I could get rid of it? Senior year, the binge-purge cycle commenced. I denied anything was wrong to my parents and so on, but it continued, also leading to my first cavities.
When I got to college, it kept going, only now I had access to a gym. I ate strictly “healthy” foods, exercised about 2 hours a day, and purged probably daily. I knew there was a problem, but my best friend at the time was in the same cycle as I was, so, though we knew our habits were wrong and horrible, we fed off of each other, desperately working to get thinner.
This is when I joined the fitblr community on tumblr. I was bingeing, and trying to stop purging, so I figured this site would help. Instead, I had the idea that 1100 calories was fine and optimal daily for a nearly 5’10” 18-year-old girl. And the cycles still went on until, finally, my nose began to spontaneously and profusely bleed. Everywhere. And I couldn’t get it to stop for a solid amount of time, which was scary, and pretty much my wake-up call. I had to stop this.
Since then, it’s been a struggle. I’ve been twelve pounds heavier from bingeing, eleven pounds lighter from horrible habits. I’m still not perfect here, and there was plenty of stuff that happened in between my senior year of highschool, and, now, my senior year of college, between my disordered and unhealthy relationship with food and my struggles with depression, but I’m finally finding the balance. I’m busy, and I’m not super hard on myself.
I’m only 20-years-old.
On the weekends, sometimes I still slip into a binge, but I’m starting to realize that these mess-ups aren’t going to kill me, like my old habits would have if I’d let them keep going. I’m young. A couple days of extreme calorie surplus are no biggie in the long scheme of my life when it’s gotten so rare.
Either way, I’m trying.
This blog is going to be my positivity. I love my body. I don’t need to torture it. Now, I walk for an hour with some planks, or do the elliptical casually while reading. Maybe attend a spin class here and there. A couple times a week, I’ll do some light strength training.
Back in the day, I would have never posted a picture after a 4.5 serving container of pineapple chunks, a quart of water, and creamed coffee (let alone ever put cream in my coffee, but that’s another point). So this says a lot for me.
I think I’m finally feeling good, fairly at peace with my body. I’m a vegetarian, dominantly plant based. I’m a good person, interning with a nonprofit and doing everything I can to help my community. I love coffee, and I volunteer with dogs at least once a week. I get good grades, and I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.
I’m Katherine—nice to meet you.